Monday blues

Or is it ok? I'm not really sure. I skipped class today, which is completely pointless because if i was going to skip, then i should have just had another day of fall break. And speaking of fall break, other than saturday, it was not the best fall break in the world. As I mentioned before, my mom was kind of ignoring me. And I ca not stand just sitting and doing nothing. It just makes me feel like i should go work out for hours or something. Whereas, if I am out and about and doing something with my day, then its ok.... because I was busy all day. But yea.....

Came back last night. Got stuck in lame traffic so it took 30 minutes longer to get back. Plus i drive like a granny, i have been told. I just HATE driving. I will be going to class tomorrow. I was PLANNING on it today. But i hit the dismiss button instead of snooze on my phone, and i woke up and it was already 2 minutes into class. Meaning that by the time I got up, threw clothes on, and ran out the door I'd probably still be 30 minutes late. Such a waste.

Food has been really hard today. All i've managed to eat is a handful of peanuts. And then I caved and ate a mini bagel. And i hated it. It felt like too much. And like, I just have to keep going. It doesn't matter if i screw up or not, I have to keep going. Because my parents aren't going to put up with it. My insurance doesn't cover treatment pretty much anywhere (not IP, residential, or IOP, or even most therapist and dietitians). So... here I am, trying to figure this out on my own. And I am so so so lost. I need to buy a scale. I HATEEEE not knowing how much I weigh. I really need to know. And I need to fix it.

Oh- and so tonight I told my roommate that I wanted it to rain so that cornhuskin would be canceled. I just wanted to relax a little bit more tonight, and I told my roommie that I was really nervous about my grades. But then again, i was kind of looking forward to going to the dance practice, even though I feel silly and i can't dance. But she was like.... "ummmm you're here ALL the time, so one hour of your night isn't going to cause you to have bad grades. It's kind of like going to the gym, you don't ever want to, but if you do you'd feel better." And I know that she didn't mean any harm by it. But she has called me lazy multiple times for not going to the gym. I just feel really guilty all the time. It adds to the feelings of omg... i am not actively doing enough to lose weight. When in reality, just a month ago i was actually HAPPY with my body. And I wasn't going to the gym then. I don't LIKE the gym. There are other ways of being active. Just.... idk. Just blah.

But here is a funny story at least.

True. Story. Time. Once upon a time I was walking back from cornhuskin practice, and all the sudden I see a FOX. It was just staring at me.... and I was like oh my gosh, what do i... and then I took a step and it ran behind the Chapel. So then, I call campus security. And the guy tells me that I should feel incredibly special, because the fox was staring at me walk by and nobody else. hahahaha. And we all lived happily ever after. The. End.

Who Am I?

-- I'm short. 5'2.5" of shortness. 

-- I have a SLIGHT diet coke addiction

-- I don't eat noodles. It's a weird texture thing/reminds me of worms

-- I have grown up going to the same girl scout camp, Camp Golden Valley, since I was 8 years old, and then I became a counselor there. They are now threatening to shut down my childhood camp and it's crushing me. 

-- I hate folding clothes.

--I was born in Kansas City, MO. I lived there for a total of 5 days.

-- I was an army brat until I was 7.

-- One of my favorite past times is driving around and looking at the million dollar lake houses around Belmont and Charlotte and Lake Wylie. I have about 837 dream houses out there.

--  I have never been skiing

--  I LOVEEEEE shopping. entirely too much.

-- I like listening to people do cover songs on youtube. I find this hilarious.

--  Scrabble is like my favorite board game ever. well that and apples to apples

-- I can barely color inside the lines. still.

--  I can't wait to fall in love, get married, and have 3 kids and 2 dogs. haha.

-- I collect t shirts.

--  I am the oldest of 4 kids. I hate being the oldest.

--  I'm goofy & not your typical 22 year old. I don't like being typical

--  I am a horrible test taker.

--  My favorite animals are zebras. I was a zebra for halloween once. when i was seven years old.

--  In the back of my brain I still wonder if Santa Clause is real...ok maybe not.... haha

--  My favorite color is pink

--  I love monogrammed things. (yes. i am extremely girly)

--  I faint when i'm around a lot of blood.

--  I had my pacifier until I was 5 years old. Then the pacy fairy came and took it away.

--  I used to be scared of monsters under my bed & in my closet. My dad had to use "monster spray" to get rid of them

--  I think that rugrats is the best cartoon that ever existed. I miss 90's nickelodeon

--  I am random.

--  I love roller coasters

--  I HATE DRIVING SO SO SO SO SO MUCH

--  I love watching cooking competition shows.

--  I have had my eating disorder since I was 12 years old.
--  I went to Meredith College for my freshman and part of my sophomore year. I got very very sick and stressed out and overdid everything, and my parents had me come home. I had to work on my recovery pretty much by myself for the past 2.5 years. 

--  I am now back at Meredith, as a sophomore (class of 2014),which is weird and good at the same time.

--  I'm paying for myself to go back to school.

--  I love Meredith, and all the traditions.

-- My favorite flower is the daisy

Fall Break

I am so annoyed right now. For the following various reasons.

A) I'm home for fall break and i'm on my period
B) I'm so bloated that my favorite skinny jeans won't freakin zip
C) I keep snacking on salty snacks like peanuts, which I know is making the bloating worse
D) All I wanted to do on fall break was get a pedicure, which my mom promised, and it doesn't look like thats happening now
E) I keep getting text from a friend from school asking what i'm doing over fall break. Her parents totally altered their schedules for her coming home for fall break. Took her shopping, home-cooked meals and baked goods, etc. Sorry honey, my mom has four kids.... and as much as I wish she would take just a few hours out of her schedule and do something for me and not my siblings, it's just not going to happen. So please STOP bragging to me about your oh-so-perfect life.

I guess i'm jealous. It gets worse when i'm on my period, though thats no excuse. My sister came home for her fall break yesterday night too. And within 10 minutes of her being home she already has talked to my dad about things that she wants (new iPhone, those new nike shoes). My dad's response? "Oh cool, baby. I'll look into it." Yet.... the FIRST thing that my dad said when I came home was "you better not ask for me to buy you anything." It is just sooo frustrating. I wasn't going to ask for anything. And I live on my own now. I buy my own groceries, my own books for school, i'm paying for my own education at Meredith, I took out my own loans, I buy my own clothes. It's soooo frustrating that my sisters just expect my parents to just do whatever/ buy whatever for them. And my parents do. There are never any no's. I don't know why it is so different with me. But it is. And it bothers me. And my parents just don't get it. I'm 22 years old. My siblings are 20, 17, and 14. You would think that I would be over this by now. You would think that my siblings wouldn't act they way they do either. Just. Ugh.

One day.... just one random day.... i want my mom to be like.... hey kaitlin, let's hang out. let's get lunch and go to a movie. or something. instead it is all... no kaitlin, i don't have time for that/ it doesn't matter that you drove 3 hours to come home, janelle has to go to the barn/has a horse-show, or collin has a boyscout thing, or a project, or hillary has to go do this. just.... so frustrated.

And since i've been so bored today (mom's made a point that she just HAS to do her gardening today, and told me that if i wanted a pedicure that i could go by myself. hello. if i wanted to go by myself i could have gone in Raleigh), i've just  been sitting around on the couch and on the computer. I just feel so huge/so fat today.

Adjusting

So, I after I left Meredith College I dreamed of returning. I knew that they way I left was painful and that I just HAD to come back and finish what I started here. But I never knew that coming back would be so hard. I'm back here on this gorgeous campus, with great people and caring professors. It's a familiar place, but the situation is so so so unfamiliar. It's so NEW. It's the same place but it's different. And it's hard.

It is taking me SOOOO long to find friends. SOOOO long to try to find out where I belong, what kind of things I have time for, what kind of things I don't have time for, etc. It's never taken me this long to fit in somewhere. I am a sophomore living with seniors, yet I am a year older than the seniors that I am living with. Age doesn't really matter as much as class does. The girls that I am living with are really great girls, but it is hard because they all have known each other and lived together for the past year... and they all want to go out because they're seniors and they want to live it up, etc. And that's just not my mood/desire right now. So i've tried to make friends with other sophomores, but they are all a few years younger than me. And lately I've just felt like a loser with no real friends. It's been weird adjusting back to things when i'm not a freshman anymore. I didn't have orientation, i'm not in the dorms, I don't go to the dining hall. Honestly, it's been kind of lonely.

And I'm only taking 13 credits but I'm still SOOOOO nervous about my grades. I'm not a good test taker and it definitely showed with the first round of exams. I am extremely disappointed in myself. I just want make good grades and not have to worry, but I am worried sooo much that my stomach hurts. I HAVEEEE to bring my GPA up. HAVE TO. no other choice.

Anyway, I have been involved with Meredith's Cornhuskin. (The big battle-of-the-classes/unity event that Meredith puts on once a year.) The main event is friday, Nov 4th, and each class puts on skits/ dances/ hog-callin/ cornhuskin/ apple bobbin competition/ etc. It's all judged for points, seniors normally win. Throughout the week leading up to cornhuskin there is a big sis/lil sis bonfire, presidents raid, hall raids, and can-art. It's all in great fun... and I love it. So i've been going to practice learning the dances twice a week for the past two weeks. So that is kind of helping in allowing me to meet new people. I also got elected Treasurer for Meredith Association of Family & Consumer Sciences (MAFCS). So that is kind of cool. I'm trying to be involved, but it is still very lonely.

And then... i've just been having a hard time in general. It's rough. But i'm getting there. I will be ok. I'm just so so glad that it's fall break right now and that i get a few days to de-stress.

First Post

Soooo. This is my first post. I decided to make a blog for my friends so that I can just type what I feel and also as a way to use this as an outlet to complain about the crazy stuff in life and talk about the good stuff. I'm normally bad with keeping up with these things, but I am going to try now... and hopefully this will turn into a fun thing.