Monday blues

Or is it ok? I'm not really sure. I skipped class today, which is completely pointless because if i was going to skip, then i should have just had another day of fall break. And speaking of fall break, other than saturday, it was not the best fall break in the world. As I mentioned before, my mom was kind of ignoring me. And I ca not stand just sitting and doing nothing. It just makes me feel like i should go work out for hours or something. Whereas, if I am out and about and doing something with my day, then its ok.... because I was busy all day. But yea.....

Came back last night. Got stuck in lame traffic so it took 30 minutes longer to get back. Plus i drive like a granny, i have been told. I just HATE driving. I will be going to class tomorrow. I was PLANNING on it today. But i hit the dismiss button instead of snooze on my phone, and i woke up and it was already 2 minutes into class. Meaning that by the time I got up, threw clothes on, and ran out the door I'd probably still be 30 minutes late. Such a waste.

Food has been really hard today. All i've managed to eat is a handful of peanuts. And then I caved and ate a mini bagel. And i hated it. It felt like too much. And like, I just have to keep going. It doesn't matter if i screw up or not, I have to keep going. Because my parents aren't going to put up with it. My insurance doesn't cover treatment pretty much anywhere (not IP, residential, or IOP, or even most therapist and dietitians). So... here I am, trying to figure this out on my own. And I am so so so lost. I need to buy a scale. I HATEEEE not knowing how much I weigh. I really need to know. And I need to fix it.

Oh- and so tonight I told my roommate that I wanted it to rain so that cornhuskin would be canceled. I just wanted to relax a little bit more tonight, and I told my roommie that I was really nervous about my grades. But then again, i was kind of looking forward to going to the dance practice, even though I feel silly and i can't dance. But she was like.... "ummmm you're here ALL the time, so one hour of your night isn't going to cause you to have bad grades. It's kind of like going to the gym, you don't ever want to, but if you do you'd feel better." And I know that she didn't mean any harm by it. But she has called me lazy multiple times for not going to the gym. I just feel really guilty all the time. It adds to the feelings of omg... i am not actively doing enough to lose weight. When in reality, just a month ago i was actually HAPPY with my body. And I wasn't going to the gym then. I don't LIKE the gym. There are other ways of being active. Just.... idk. Just blah.

But here is a funny story at least.

True. Story. Time. Once upon a time I was walking back from cornhuskin practice, and all the sudden I see a FOX. It was just staring at me.... and I was like oh my gosh, what do i... and then I took a step and it ran behind the Chapel. So then, I call campus security. And the guy tells me that I should feel incredibly special, because the fox was staring at me walk by and nobody else. hahahaha. And we all lived happily ever after. The. End.